A Sacred Conversation

Last weekend,
my Papa, his sister and her husband
drove down to spend the afternoon with our family
eating lunch, watching football, and shootin' the breeze.

I hadn't seen my Aunt Nancy and Uncle Paul
for over a year and a half.
And I had surely never spent much one-on-one time with them.

Until that Sunday.

And as I sat and chatted with them,
it was a sacred moment for me.

It was as if the Lord had heard this prayer
and answered.

I got to know my Aunt and Uncle better,
I got to hear their stories. I got to laugh with them.

And in a way,
it was like spending a little extra time with my Gram.

Thank you, Lord.
For what felt like the shiniest of pennies.

A Hidden Treasure

I was looking through old wedding photos today
when I found this in the comments section
of Jeff and Erin's blog post...

Bobbie (Jessi’s Gram) - Jeff & Erin you are an awesome couple.
We loved all the pictures!
Loved the pic of Tina & Jeremiah, so sweet.

I have old cards from her
on the shelves in my office,
but what a neat little treasure
to see her words show up in an unexpected place.

I miss you, Gram.

And yes, I need a tissue now.

Remembering Gram

Today, I'm remembering gram
and standing in awe of the faithfulness the Lord has showed me in the days since.

Grammy, we still miss you like crazy.
and Papa...

I pray a new prayer.

Letter to Heaven?

My Dearest Gram,
I sat down to sew tonight.
It was the first time since I gave up
while making that top for your funeral.

There's a problem with my bobbin thread,
but I can't quite pin-point what it is.
I've tried re-threading and changing the tension,
but the stupid thread keeps getting tangled.
An entire spool, wasted.
It was the pretty yellow color, too.

I know there are probably a thousand You Tube videos
or online tutorials that could be of some use.
Or Jeeves, I'm sure Jeeves would know.
But all I wanted
was to pick up the phone
and call you,
to ask you for help.
All I wanted
was to hear your voice on the other end of my phone,
helping me salvage my project,
reminding me that it doesn't need to be perfect,
and telling me that you love me.

How I wish you were here.
I miss you.

All my love,
your Jessica

PS: The woman in front of me at church two weeks ago...
she smelled like you.
I managed a salty smile every time I sniffed her.
I hope she didn't think that's weird.

The Phone

I've stopped counting already
The amount of times that I've picked up my phone
and started to dial my grandma's number
only to remember
that she won't be on the other end when I call.

I know that's normal.
I know that's how it works.
But I just miss her.

sew long sewing class

As you may or may not know, I started taking a sewing class earlier this year. Just like the course description said, we learned how to thread the machine, pick out fabrics, and make something from a pattern. We also learned different kinds of seam finishes, how to put in a zipper, and the proper way to press a garment.

Even though the class is supposed to go for two more weeks, I'm calling it quits today. I missed a couple classes when my gram passed away and since then I just haven't been terribly excited about going back to class. I'm not sure what project we're on to now or what supplies we're supposed to have. So instead of being a responsible adult and emailing the instructor, I've decided that my time in the class is done. Despite the fact that I'm still a very beginner sewer, I think I've learned what I wanted to learn from the class -- and now it's back to having my Monday nights available. Available to make dinner at home, available to go to the gym, and available to set aside some more time quietly with the Lord.

Aside from the sewing techniques, there are a couple other things I've learned in my sewing class:
* Learning requires commitment.
* I'm sew sew thankful to be done with school.
* It's really important to me that I be home to cook dinner.
* Free things are cool and worth taking advantage of.
* Supply lists and a good ol' syllabus still make me giddy.
* We're never too old to make new friends.
* I like to sew things that don't have to "fit" -- that part still makes me a bit nervous.
* Practice doesn't always make perfect, but it's better than no practice at all.
* Creativity breads creativity.
* I'm not terribly excited about having Monday-night commitments.
* Driving down the 5-South never ever gets old.
* I'm not alone, there are quite a few girls in our generation who desire the sewing skill set.

As I think of her...

Along with the tears, memories flood.
Memories I've captured here, and here, and here,
and here, and here, and here,and here, and here, and here.
And still many others that I've kept treasured in my inner being.

In November 2008, my Gram was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer
a vicious beast, a hungry aggressor.
I cried for days, and weeks, and months
at the thought of losing her
at the thought of our wedding without her.

For she and Papa have been at every event I can think of
from pre-school graduation, to elementary school award assemblies
from softball games and opening day, to birthday parties, to high school graduation.
Always cheering me on. Always telling me how proud she is.

I've spent countless afternoons at gram's
digging through her craft closet
and making something out of nothing on her kitchen table.
She taught me how to bake her special cookies
And how to sew simple pillows.
She taught me how to paint and bought me cases of supplies.
She stirred my creative soul.

By the grace of God and her insanely stubborn spirit,
she was able to escape ICU
and celebrate our wedding with us last May

Last night, she passed away.

And all of the different thoughts I've been wrestling with
over the last year and a half
flooded back into my mind:

What is death and illness?
Why is death and illness?
Did I take advantage of my time with her?
Did I learn from her? Pray for her? Share with her?
What does the Lord's goodness and mercy look like
in light of this situation?
How should I live, having known her?

And I take such comfort in knowing
that, yes, I did pray for her,
and share with her, and spend time with her, and learn from her.
And yes, the Lord's goodness is sovereign.
In His spirit, I find strength.

Thank you, Heavenly Father,
for the life of my grandma.
Thank you for the memories we created together
and for the lessons you've taught through her.

I miss you already, Gram. <3
And Papa, I'm praying for you.

The Box

It sits on the floor
of our spare bedroom
and I fight to open it.
Inside, waiting to be seen and used
are the art supplies
that once belonged to her

not yet.

Wordless Wednesday

Food's a Funny Thing

The funny thing is
my appetite changes as I reminisce about different memories.

If I'm thinking about my gram a lot, I crave McDonalds.
If I'm missing those good ol' high school days, I crave Red Robin.
If I'm feeling classy and adultish, I crave drinks and fondue at The Brig.
If I'm wishing I was out on the softball field, I crave Subway.

It's strange.
Yet fun.

But I'm pretty sick of craving Subway.
A girl can only eat so many sandwiches.

Meet Max

This weekend, we got to meet my gram's newest friend.
This adorable little fluff ball is Max.

He's just the tiniest thing you ever did see.
He (surprisingly!) loves being cradled like a baby while you rub his belly.
He melts right into the grown.
He hops around like a little bunny.
And well, we love him to pieces already!

10 Goals for 2010

1. Learn to sew
2. Go to the East Coast and visit friends
3. Practice Italian
4. Memorize a verse of Scripture each week
5. Continue to go the the gym consistently (duh!)
6. Try a few new craft tutorials
7. Visit our grandparents a couple times
8. Make more new recipes
9. Work hard
10. Love harder

Gram: Keeping Hallmark in Business

My Gram.

She's thoughtful.

Even when she's sick, busy, or even in the hospital, she never fails to send one of her famous holiday cards.

President's Day. Valentine's Day. St. Patrick's Day. Memorial Day. Labor Day. Halloween.

For all those random holidays that most people don't think twice about, my gram (for as long as I can remember) has sent a card to my sister and I with a $20 bill inside.

So when Jeremiah brought in the mail yesterday with a card from Gram and Papa on top, I knew exactly what it was. She never fails to deliver, but somehow always seems to surprise.

Thanks, Gram.

I love you.

In the shade of that pepper tree

I had a meeting in another building this afternoon. I parked under a tree in the far corner of the parking lot, and the tears came. flooded.

Parking under a shady tree in the heat of a beautiful day brought back this one distinct memory for me. Very distinct, so much so that I dream it again every couple years.

When I was a couple years old, my mom would pick me up from pre-school and we'd bring McDonald's happy meals to the pool supply store on the blvd where my gram worked. To be honest, I'm not quite sure why this image is always so fresh in my head, but it is. It's burned in my memory, etched, engraved, highlighted, marked with stars! To me, this memory means family. It means sharing. It means love. It means three generations of ladies making memories together. And it makes me cry every time I think about it.

This memory gets me thinking of love. And the way I love my gram. I don't love her because we spend a lot of time together. I don't love her because we agree on everything or because we're like two peas in a pod. I simply love her because she first loved me. And I never got what the Bible meant by that until now. I love her because she first loved me.

So in honor of that memory, I made a quick stop at McDonalds on my way back to the office. And sure enough, I walked in to find a young girl eating happy meals with her grandma by the window.

What a blessing it's been to sit in the shade of that tree, strolling ever so slowly down memory lane. I'm so thankful for the memories I have with my gram.